"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." Stone Temple Pilots

I have this friend... No, don't ask... You know I won't tell...Something happened to her, she just left... Today... And I already miss her so much... And it's so weird, because lately, we haven't been talking much... So, I really don't know what happened... I also know she didn't disappear from my life... She is still there, somewhere...I won't go into that, because it's really not my story to tell... All I can say is, I have felt this same urge to disappear sometimes... And all these days, I have been thinking about what to do with my life... It all started with my music, but it has now translated to everything else... What is right for me and what isn't... Some things I have to let go... Some I just can't, some I just won't, no matter the cost...

I have been reflecting on relationships a lot these last few days... And I have been trying to think of what is that holds things together... And as I am editing my life, I figured I need to do the same with my relationships. It may sound a bit weird, but I just can't help it, that's the way my mind works...
That led me to the craziest conversation ever. "What is it that you and I have?" Can you imagine anyone posing that question? Well, I did...
That just translated into lots of laughter and a list of things this friend and I, share...Yes, a list, as in: Ok.. Let's pick number one...
I will try not to go into any specific order... Because to me, it may be a different one than this... But that, you see, makes it even better...

1. Food... I love food and you all know it, well, so does my friend... Only, he said: "You like to cook and I would eat anything"... Of course, that isn't true... He would not eat anything... He does love food and he loves to cook as well...
2. Music... I even cracked this joke about his having amazing taste for a civilian... You see, he is a musical know it all and could have been a great musician, only he chose a different path... About me? You have read it all...
3. We are not very social... Ok, that may not be a good thing... But that's who we are... I have my music to hide in, and my cooking... The cook's solitude is one of the things I appreciate the most... Those quiet moments when you are working on a recipe, late at night, after the kitchen closes... Could it be that I miss having my own kitchen? Oh, I will have to come back to this eventually... But not tonight , no... I am a loner, that is for sure... And he, I guess, must be one as well...
4. Humour... We do share the same kind of humour... A very dark, sarcastic sense of humour... We do laugh a lot, in fact, there are times when we do nothing but laugh and one thing is for sure, he can make me smile and laugh no matter what...
5. He said we are both very smart... He said it, not me... I'm just me and that is what I told him... I do admire him for the way he uses his head... The way he just says: "Let's get to the top and work our way down" or "Let's pick it apart and put it back together again" and helps me see things straight... Of course, I laugh when he says things like that, because I tend to turn everything into a joke... But he is almost always right, as much as I hate to admit it... He may be finding out about it here... Well, he must know he is right already anyway... I wouldn't come to him for advice if he weren't...
6. ... I won't go there... I know you guys want me to, but I won't... We do have this number six that we both love and I know when he reads this he will be laughing his head off... Because he knows exactly what I'm talking about... And if you found out, you would most probably go, and you are not telling us that??? It's not that I'm trying to hide things, it's just that I don't feel like I can talk about some things me and my friends have in common... I'm just quirky that way...

Anyway... We do love peanuts and vodka and music and coffee... And I do need to say this publicly... You ARE a coffee drinker... And no, it's not because of me!!
We have tons of things in common and we do have each other...

I will never forget this thing he said: "I keep coming back to you because you make me feel good inside" Well, you do make me feel good inside in return... And you see, as you so well put it, I just can't let you go... I suppose what I'm trying to say here is... You are a keeper...

"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time" Ornette Coleman

Has it ever happened to you that taking a decision on your life leads to new, surprising things?

Well, the other day , just after deciding I'm singing classical for the last time, I had this very interesting conversation with this very close friend from music school... She said to me, "Well, as long as your voice is there you can come back as many times as you want", but I assured her I'm retiring... After all, I have been singing most of my life and I can say without a doubt that even if my voice is there, I will never come back after this one time... I'm even thinking of giving up ensemble music... I haven't found any projects that I find really fulfilling... It's only been a way of getting some money and seeing old friends from time to time but I know musically I haven't really learnt much from them...

Anyway, the thing is she talked to me about this version of a Monteverdi's piece she sings, (She, by the way is one of the most talented Mexican early music singers ever... But don't tell her I think that... She will say it's not true, blah, blah, blah... Too modest...) She told me, "I think you may like this", that was all...

As I began listening to the version, my stomach turned, my jaw dropped, my hands started shaking... I just found myself thinking... This is it!!! This is the next step... Jazz... Monteverdi... Jazz... My head started making this inventory of Italian Arie from the 17th century... Every single castrato role passed through my brain... Every duetto... Voice duels... So even before I could process all the information I asked: "If I worked on the project and offered you to sing that kind of music... Would you come to Mexico?" I think I took her by suprise, because she said she would...

I haven't been able to sleep in 2 days or to concentrate in anything other than this... Not only do we need to work on arrangements, find musicians... We also need funds, producers... What did I get myself into??? Of course, if I think of it, it's just the perfect project to work on, my forever present urge to search for a depurated singing technique mixed with my true musical love... Jazz... I think I may have found my true voice... The perfect music... My perfect music...

I think my needing to close a cycle has proven to be a good thing... Had I never decided to do it, this would most probably never have found me... And I know now, this is exactly what I want... It's not classical, it's jazz, but it does need all the classical knowledge I have accumulated through the years...

I know I will have to arm myself with patience... Because every succesfull project needs to be born calmly... There is no rushing... I have of course made lists of friends I need to call for I need all the advice I can take... And, so I have been planning my life around it for two days... Exercise, diet, sleep patterns... I have this firm belief that a singer is a high performance athlete... I will need to make adjustments... And of course I can't forget about my cooking, and my teaching, and Schubert...

Yesterday I was told, "I think this may be the end of your teenage years", I may appear as this Peter Pan-ish character, and in some ways I think I am one... I have always been able to jump from one thing to the other, because, simply, there has never been anything important enough for me to settle down, and so, I have always leapt from the plane without looking back, I have never had to stop and think of the consequences, you see? And so now, envisaging such an adventure would seem so natural... Only it doesn't feel the same as always, it does feel like I'm about to change the whole universe around me and as silly as this may appear, and as much as I would love to be taking it lightly, I can't stop myself from thinking, this is it... There may be no going back after this one...

These 2 days have been...life turning to say the least... On one side I have only started my mourning over a career that has ended... My classical one... The one I decided to kill a few years ago and never said goodbye to... On the other this new path... My unborn baby... I have been shedding tears of sadness and tears of joy... I haven't been able to talk much... I have turned into this very quiet, very introspective persona hiding from the world outside... I think this time I have really reached this pivotal moment in my life... I am bursting with happiness... But wouldn't dare letting it out because of the fear of losing it all...




Artists... Really... Can't live inside them, can't live outside of them...

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song" Maya Angelou

I'm facing a... What can I call this exactly? ... A vocal crisis, maybe?

I have been working on classical music whenever someone needs me for ensembles but I gave up doing it as a soloist a few years ago... So, why, suddenly, do I find myself missing the concert dresses and the glamour?

I am not thinking of going back to Opera... I know some would be so happy to see me back... But no... No, way, not now... I refuse... Something in me keeps saying :"Ok, so you have been working for ages to get rid of the Bel Canto voice you so despise... You are always saying it's archaic and nobody should really use it anymore..." So, going back to Opera is a no, no... If only to save face... Some would be so happy to tell me... "See?... We were right about you and your Verismo voice"... And as much as the dressing up as a gypsy, a witch or some kind of female villain would be amusing... No... No... Ok... I said no...Stop thinking about it!!!!

Other genres, on the other hand have been haunting my mind these days... How about... Oratorio? No, it's just like an opera, right? Only religious... Ok... No... How about?... German Art Songs? The temptation is there... And I can feel it calling me... And my brain keeps going: "You could do that... Why not?... It's not as if you needed to sacrifice something... Music is interesting... How about a song cycle??? That could be fun, right??? And vocally? Well... They are such good songs to sing... Will not mess with your technique... Will only improve your breathing and support, right? And from the interpretative point of view... Well... This could be a win-win situation... Right? But then again... Jazz... Lied... Jazz... Lied... So maybe all you have learnt from the first you can apply to the latter, right? And after all, musically, really, you come from a classical background... Right?

Then again, I'd be doing just what is expected of me... Come back to the classical world...There has to be a way to come back but on my terms and still be a rebel, right? That thought has been eating my brain... I'm so used to being seen as the black sheep, so used to not being a Jedi anymore... I'm this necessary evil that they call when in need for a contralto... The one with the crazy hair and the tattoos... The one who, on the other hand, seems to be longing for an elegant concert dress and a demure appearance... And more importantly the one who seems to be dying to sing perfect songs... Not that jazz isn't perfect... We all know jazz is more sophisticated, more difficult to understand and there is this improvisation thing... That I just love... Having the freedom to change notes, harmonies... Having sufficient classical training to end a jazz song like a medieval song if I feel like it...

Going back would only mean adhering to rules, singing what is written, submitting to the composer's commands, being compliant enough to surrender... Can I do that? Can I forget about my wild horse's temperament, my perpetual desire to escape conventions? I left that world for a reason... Why go back? Well... I wish I had the right answer... I only know I feel this urgent desire to express things that are trapped inside my body... So maybe this one time... This one last time... Oh... I think I need to find me a classical singing coach soon... I just hope the fact that I want to sing a song cycle intended to be sung by a guy, isn't too much of a shocker...

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. Ernestine Ulmer

Chefs are always trying new recipes... right? I'm not an exception...

I absolutely adore cheesecake and I'm always trying to come up with new variations...




The other day I worked on this one... Mango cheesecake with a mango coriander seed macédoine... Fortunately I had victims to try it, otherwise it would have been terrible for I would have had to eat it all on my own...




After what seemed only a few minutes all there was left of it were a few photos...

"The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses." Hanna Rion

The weather is amazing, the sun is shining and just as I was getting used to have my days to myself... Life suddenly went back to normal... People rushing to the streets, restaurants reopening, going back to school...

I worked all day today... And even though that makes me very happy, I have to admit normal doesn't feel quite normal yet... There is still this very weird thing in the air that scares me a bit... It's like we are all feigning everything is ok, when it's not... And somehow, I have been avoiding analysing the situation... Not always possible, because this whole flu thing has affected my friends and myself... Not in a physical way, mind you, but in many other ways that I won't recount here...

The point being, I decided to escape reality for a little while at lunch time and went to sit in the garden... I'm not really what you would call a nature person, but I do love just sitting there listening to the birdies... Watching the plants... I look mostly at the herb garden and dream of far away places and of food... I love food in ways you wouldn't imagine... texture, colour, flavour...

While I was watching the herb garden I realised my sage plant looks amazing... New leaves, flowers... Made me think of an array of pork recipes, but then again, no, or a man who makes potions in a traveling show, woooooaaahh... Sorry, I digress!!!! My mind wandered... Thoughts of pork make my brain go... Never mind...

I suddenly remembered sage beignets and decided I just have to have that tomorrow, with prelunch cocktails...

I love the smell of sage flowers

Sage beignets

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup cold beer
• salt and pepper to taste
• ice cubes
• Sage leaves (Of course, you can always experiment with other herbs...)
• Enough oil for deep frying

Preheat your oil to 350-370 F (If you don't have a thermometer... The oil is ready when a 1" cube of white bread dropped into the oil browns in about a minute)
Mix the flour and the beer... Season... Add the ice cubes and mix again... Your batter needs to be very cold so that it's really crisp when you deep fry it...

Coat each leaf with the batter taking it by the stem... Deep fry! Voilà !!! Golden deep fried pieces of heaven...

Now, I have this friend who says nobody ever needs deep fried anything... Well...What can I say?... Perhaps a deep fried piece of heaven and a cold beer could change his mind. ..

"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it"

These last few days have really been boring, and aside from the fact that I did attend a quarantine party, the only fun things I did were eat, drink and take photographs...

Pomegranates... These I'm waiting for to cook with!!!

Fruit and flowers from the garden... I'm not really a good photographer, I may get there eventually... I suppose the only way to learn is keep doing it...

Plumbago

Posing is most certainly easier than taking photographs... And as the city was deserted and some fountains were dry... I just couldn't resist it!!! I had to jump in there and pose!!!

Moi... But then again... You already knew that!!!

"In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing" Antonio Porchia

I was about to board a plane when my mobile rang... The first thing I hear is: "Swine flu... Phase five"... What is phase five even supposed to mean? Was I to be trapped in an airport or something? I pictured myself as Tom Hanks in The Terminal... Trapped there for ever... Fortunately that didn't happen...

[...]

Downtown... 15:00 ... Creepy...

I came back to Swine Flucity today... And what did I find? Silence all around me... Empty streets... Where are my beloved traffic jams? Where's all the noise gone? I feel... What is it that I feel exactly?.. I wish I could find the exact words to describe the desolation...